I, at times struggle to put into words adequately what life with her has taught me. I spent my nights this week thinking over the last 9 years with her. 💜 1. She taught me not to care for opinions of others. I got pregnant with her while going through several year divorce. I was single mom with 4 kids. Judgement city, but her lil body wiggling in mine, gah worth the whispers. Now they all love her, we'll go with it. 2. She taught be what it's like to be an extrovert, to truly draw energy from being lit up by others. To love the mornings, waking up to shitting rainbows, cupcakes and unicorns. To believe picnics and celebrations are for every day. 3. Grace, to live with a dignity, even great pain doesn't destroy. To learn to live again as a girl, that didn't exist before. To have to find yourself again , over and over, and still accept the beauty in that. To literally make friends with your ghosts. 4. Let go, to live in the present. Nothing could have prepared me much more for the world today than the last 19 months with her. Learning to just breathe and accept the space we are in. Adjusting our expectations, to instead be, this is where we are today. And doing what we need that day. That cuddles and snuggles are not saved for rainy days. That we can't actually change much sometimes with our bodies except our attitude and that is okay. That we can say no, we can slow down, we can merely exist in small moments. Meeting our energy, holding space for that is rare. 5. Loss, change, death are inevitable. That pain is somedays an acceptable consequence for a day well lived. That in loving we find life. Rage, saddness, angry, grief are all perfectly valid. And we can feel all that and still have joy. That the unknown doesn't have to be scary, it can just be unknown, don't stop living. Happiest Birthday my middle daughter. My fierce brave queen.

A friend had written a post today that caused me to nutshell what my thoughts have been. While I have watched many within communities I belong often scream at the top of their lungs in protest for the "not all cops/men/white people/etc/etc/etc..." that they love, this quote has sat hard on my soul. Your/my/our "Goodness" matters for naught, when we sit idly on our asses. I have been in the aftermath of many moments where soldiers, cops, protectors aka good humans have sat idly by when horrific things have been committed by the "few". The guilt of just being GOOD , but not doing the hard, becomes overwhelming and they find themselves ending their life over it. Often times not before they created destructive habits to themselves and their loved ones. GOOD is poison to justice. In this time where being good is never even, I challenge us to do the hard, the uncomfortable, doing the things that set us seemingly set us apart, but in reality for once could drive us together. It is no longer a valid choice to be the good, silent majority, in fact that makes us complacent for the majority of evil. Instead we must act, we must do, and really we must do better. A free 7 week course by my amazing friend @glaroche and her partner at @sevenstonesleadership is a great start place. I could listen to Gina for hours. Or follow and sign up for the works of @imdrtee @ihartericka @rachel.cargle @feministajones @mspackyetti to name a few on IG. Than start showing up, paying up, expecting more of those around us. All the options and ways to do this white humans. #nomoreobservers #quitthemouthbreathing #beantiracist #blacklivesmatter #followblackwomen #dohardthings #raisethestandard #fuckingriseupforbetter #nomoregood #bebetterthandobetter #educateyourself

9 months ago. To the day. 1st Father's Day. With out you here. Scratching your tickets. Tending your lastest outdoor obsession. Brief moments of playing a script, than you fade away. Back to your own world, cloistered in your head. Random musings peppered through out the visit. The shared looks with my sister, of amusement, of what the fuxk, of these strangeness no one else got." In a minute" you yelled, as my mom called you to handle some chore, that phrase marks your grave as much it did in life. For years I have held hands with humans as they confronted death, their loved ones grief. "A part of me is missing, gone. A hole left to never close." Are the most common turns of phrase. I feel alien, awkward in this world. You see I am whole. Nothing missing. No gaping wounds, no endless grief. Just a passing. We have better conversations now than we ever did living. Maybe because your soul feels so untethered from your brain. That all the things left tangled and jumbled are no longer blocks. You see, I just close my eyes and call you here. A faint breeze of tobacco, Old Spice and saw dust blows by. And you settle around me. Maybe that is your greatest gift you left me, is knowing we are more than the sum of our parts in living flesh. That we carry on in light, wind and energy. I keep waiting for this massive crushing wave, but it never comes. Flow is all I feel. With that I know, that you understand my awkwardness, my outsider view, my lack of grief, is not lack of love but rather that I know the power within our souls. Happy Father's Day dad.

Thank Walmart for that multipack Father's Day cards 😉 who am I kidding, I never send them. Happy Father's Day to my children's fathers. Dan for my 2 oldest, can't believe both will be in their 20s. Older than me when we started our adventure. Just winging it, trying best we could. Barely knowing ourselves, let alone little humans. Grateful that we created such amazing souls in our short time. That they have your chill. Cliff for the middles. We did damn great with them. Even if one of them is my greatest parental challenge, lol. Thank you life for teaching us fire and hurricanes , not good combo. But for short 2 years, we made magical humans. Thank you for giving them adventures and joy in risk. Mark my best friend, life partner, father of our 2 girls, dad to the whole freaking bunch. While our 6 yr old souls knew, I am glad life didn't merge our path til later. 10 years I have watched you go from confirmed mid 30s bachelor to Mr Dad. This last 18 months have been fuxking hard, hell last few years. We both lost our dads suddenly. We had to switch it up, reverse it so many times, all we could do was dance along. This pandemic saw us switch roles up. In those 30 days I have grown to love you even more. To watch you struggle and win against mental health battles, to step up and be sole at home parent with our entire heathen army plus some. All of the kids are our kids. You have never not taken care of them all, plus the extras that land like butterflies. For the moments with our daughter that needs so much, you often find the patience in moments I struggle to find my wits. For all the moments the last 10 years have brought I love you Mark, so much. Happiest Father's Day to the fathers of my children. 🙃😉😊 truly blessed with such freaking awesome, diverse, unique souls. #momof7 #raisethemfiercekindcreative #happyfathersday #imadethem

Chelsea @she_colorsnature is freaking badass soul, I found here on the gram. Actually the hashtag #salomonwmn found her. As someone who lives in the outdoors all seasons a year, often with 2 of my sons who are often the only Black men out there I love her bold example for my daughters , someday grandbabies and all of us. I am also in love with her small town. And wish my own would show up like hers. Goals. I hope you follow her, watch her change our world for the better. Reminding us the outdoors is for all 🖤🙌🏼🖤 plus hello Salomon shoes 🔥 #strongwomen #blackwomemmorethanmatter #outdoorsareforwomen #everyoneoutdoors #unlikelyhikers #colorthisworld #werisetogether #sheisbadasssoul

Today I had the honor of sitting and listening to 21 Black voices speak. 21 Black Cardiologists and Police Chiefs.l, some whose brillant work I have followed for years. The @abcardio1 hosted an amazing Zoom They spoke of their experiences with racism, some spanning close to 65 years. Doctors, educated, beautiful souls, they spoke of what they have and still experience, watch their families experience. Racism knows no boundaries, no one is safe from it. No money, degree, measure of prestige or honor protects Black humans from it. It is a public health issue. It completely takes out entire levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for Black communities, laying them open and vulnerable to more. We can do better. DR @padadvocate Does amazing work in an area where I have often found myself trying to advocate within, usually sadly coming in to handle disability, health change or rehabilitation. His work is gives me hope. And is changing care for better. When he posted this link, I wasn't sure what to expect. My heart was filled and my soul wept for this 21 souls. Dr Michelle A Albert hosted wonderfully. Dr. @drbrowncares words hit home. I hope this finds you not well, I hope you are torn up by what is happening. I don't know how many times I have wanted to write similar. Dr Brown gets it. We can and must do better for Black Lives. It is more than mattering, it is more than seats at a table. White People our table is fuckery, our entire system is based on lies, inequities and the blood and lives of Black and Brown humans. It is not enough to offer a space, it is time to give up space, to expand, to create, to change. What does that feel like for you? What does that look like for you? How can we create systems change? I am asking and answering these myself daily. I have been for 2 decades. I hope I am not alone in wading in. I hope you are not well with this. I hope your soul is screaming in outrage over enslaving policies. Listen to Black voices. Than change our white behavior. #wecandobetter #strongwomen #liftthemup #riseup #change #blacklivesmatter #revolutionofthought